ive got my ring back! (: and it still fits my finger..well its eh, a little bit loose thou (:
am glad that i finally have the courage to look you in the eye too. bcos for all these while, i haven been able to look at you directly. i was scared that ill miss you even more.

but i have to admit that when i saw you yesterday, i realised i still cant get over you. whatever ive been doing over these 6mths to make myself not think of you- 'things like keeping myself occupied, going out with friends, trying to act happy...' all goes to make me miss you even more when im tired out at the end of each day. and however carefree i may seem to ppl out there, i am not happy at all.

i even tried going out with a new guy. i thought finding a replacement could make me forget you.
i dono how it happened but i really was thinking of you when he kissed me :(

i feel soo soo stupid that this didnt work. i really really regret not loving you right when we were together. and im really really sad i dont have you by my side anymore. i was stressed out with schwork , really. taking 6modules that sem wasnt easy and i am the kind who'll just say 'im not stressed' when what really is was that im really stressed out. and sorry, that i took out my stress on you cos youre the closest boy i have. i know i shldnt have threw my tantrums on you. sorry.

i miss missing you

i miss falling asleep against your chest when im tired
i miss your lips that look so thin yet felt so soft against mine when we kiss
i miss your hug when i really needed one
i miss your hand that always managed to find mine to hold
i miss holding your hand when we watch movies
i miss you sending me home even though we stay so far apart and that u had to go home on your own after that
i miss your smses at 11:11 when youre not beside me at that moment
i miss your heart thats always there to care for me
i miss, everything about you

and i really regret returning you the ring you gave me for our valentine's day. can i have it back? :(
and could we not even have broken up in the first place? i wish i could love you right all over again

one of the most heart wenching love quote

ROSE: Have you ever been in love?
DESIRE: You might say that.
ROSE: Horrible, isn't it?
DESIRE: In what way?

ROSE: It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like "Maybe we should just be friends" or "How very perceptive" turns into a glass splinter working its way to your heart.

DESIRE: How picturesque.
ROSE: It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love. I hate love.

The Sandman – The Kindly Ones – Neil Gaiman

and there goes my wisdoms!

went for a full body local anesthetic operation to remove 4 of my wisdom tooth yesterday.
and though ive recovered pretty much already but i still wanna complain that i almost really really died of hunger yesterday while fasting from food/drinks for a whole of 21hrs just so i wont vomit after the op! 18hrs- from my last dinner at 9pm till 6pm where i finally got home to have a bowl of tau hua from mr bean to slip down my throat! (: thanks mummy for getting me tau hua, jelly, gui ling gao, yoghurt and icecream so that i could have them if im hungry at home (: and thanks mummy for accompanying me throughout the whole thing (: thanks daddy too for bringing me my jacket when i was freezing on the hospital bed (: i felt so loved to have them taking care of me when i need them to (: so thats what family members are meant for (: im sorry that ive being so rebellious and all for the past few years hee but i'll try to change for the better and be nicer to you folks! d:
ps: for my friends who smsed me before my operation, thankyou! really appreciate it (:

Any Other World- Mika

In any other world you could tell the difference
And let it all unfurl into broken remnants

Smile like you mean it, and let yourself let go

Cos it's all in the hands of a bitter, bitter man
Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in
Take a bow, play the part of a lonely lonely heart
Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in
To the world you thought you lived in

I tried to live alone but lonely is so lonely, alone
So human as I am I had to give up my defences

So I smiled and tried to mean it, To let myself let go
........

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

officially moving on, cause ive finally got a closure from gary. though i still dont understand why he links it to him having no future and thats hes useless when i ask for the reason that he dont want me anymore. and that he dont want to commit and just wants to be alone.

back then he taught me that i should pick up my courage to let a guy know if i like him. so now im letting you know, i like you. but i know i have to let you go. and though i cant be the one to be besides you to make you smile, i still hope that you will stay happy forever.
because that was my 21st birthday wish, that "gary can stay happy forever"
while i forgot to wish for us to be happy forever.

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” -marilyn monroe

today was supposedly our 6th months anniv....and weeks back i was still thinking of what i should get for him, but well we didnt last till this day....

the last time we had a date was only 3weeks ago- 24april.
i remember because that was after my first paper....we had dinner and movie, u sent me home all the way to sengkang,
you kissed me a lot on that day because you said you missed me. that was a saturday and we both knew we wont have time to meet till the next friday comes because i have 3more papers over the week; so you kissed me once more for each of the days that we wont be seeing each other. one for sunday, one for monday, one for tuesday, one for wednesday, one for thursday and then you said you'll kiss me again when we see each other on friday~ but, not anymore :(

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

“Just friends, it’s almost impossible. Especially if it was something more than that. Going back to friends is just a way of trying to twist and mold it into something else, something else that keeps us both holding on by strings, when all we really need is to let go, be free from one another.
On the other hand, to let go- to accept that you aren’t what the other person wants can crush you. But once you let go, once you really say goodbye. It’s eventually better for you. There is no obligation, no worry, and no need to still make the other person happy.”

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

i was happy before i met him. i would be happy once again.

im sorry

i wanna say sorry to myself, sorry, that my appetite had been really bad recently and taking too much soild food now makes me feel like vomitting. theres this nausea feeling at my throat and stomach constantly and its really bad. wheres the gluttony me few months back? -the piggy who never stops craving for this food and that food that i have to go for jogs to burn those extra calories....the piggy who always managed to clean up her plates and not even waste a single grain of rice no matter how much food she'd ordered....the piggy who pats her round tummy happily after each meal while thinking of what to eat next though shes like how full already?!! well, i really need to get back on my regular meals and not survive on liquid and milk only. i want to enjoy food again, really really....and so, im really sorry, and im trying already.

and yup gary and i werent together anymore. for what reason, i have no idea. he just dont want me anymore. this week had been terrible for me. really terrible. i feel so alone, especially at night. its so quiet and id rather just dissolve into thin air rather than keep on living and breathing and continuing this misery. i didnt know it'll be this hard to get over someone. especially when its someone whom youve care for all along, someone you love. i just cant keep my mind off him. im thankful for friends who had kept me company throughout- whenever they can. thankyou and i appreciate it. really. well, when im out, most of the time im just stoning away, otherwise, i'll be crying. theres just so many things that make me miss him. a word that trigger things that we've shared before, a song, or even seeing couples hugging on the escalator....i even thought of ways to die cause my heart seriously cant take this abrupt change that he dont want me anymore. at least give me a reason, just so i can move on.

so, it was only a month ago that you posted me the video- i'll be loving you forever by NKOTB, and you smsed me: "Dear u must wait for me ok...Once i get my life sorted out i'll be that loving bf youve ever dreamt of :-)" together with all your other nice nice smses for me, ive neatly saved them in my phone. and everything was going on fine between us. even during my exam month that just passed, i warned you that i'll be cranky and will definitely behave weirdly while i go crazy from all those revision so you just have to put up with me no matter what i do till exams are over for me. you promised me you would. but look at what happened. wheres our forever that you keep reminding me of. you said to hold on to my hand as long as i hold on to yours. but youve let go of me now. the promises we shared, all gone, gone with your feelings. and what about my feelings?

i hate being a crybaby, but how does one control tears??? i really need to master that. i cry too easily :(

i hate the feeling when you're about to cry and someone asks you if theres anything wrong or to cheer you up and you try to smile but you just physically cant do it and eventually the effort of trying to smile for this one person has the tears spilling over. it makes me feel so defeated by life when i cant find the strength to smile at those moments.

ZZZZZZZ

sleep study eat facebook sleep read notes snack sleep watch videos sleep walk aimlessly around my house take a nap eat sweets chips icecream sleep study eat facebook sleep read notes snack sleep watch videos sleep walk aimlessly around my house take a nap eat sweets chips icecream sleep study eat facebook sleep read notes snack sleep watch videos sleep walk aimlessly around my house take a nap eat sweets chips icecream roll my eyes, yeah this is the viscous cycle im having now when i spend my whole study week at home ROARRR! when will exams be over man! and theres this huge huge zzzzz monster thats constantly hovering around me making me sleep more than the amount of time i am awake with those eerey notes or otherwise, fb/msn/songs/shows/food! -_-

my BIG BLOODY THUMB

:O was trying to intercept a ball during basketball last friday....but naive me hurt my poor fingernail instead....
-am just praying for my nails to grow faster while i wrap my thumb up with a plaster in the meantime!

POPPING PILLS DOWN

these were what kept me alive for these 3weeks.
had fever, cold and cough....bad bad cough havent recover yet.
and so i miss jogging and playing basketball :(